Fortune And Glory, Kid

Everyone with 8 working fingers and an operable keyboard will be spouting what roxz0rs and what sux0rs at E3 this year, so why am I doing this?

Because I feel like it?

So there you go. Here are my thoughts on Microsoft’s press conference today:

• Beatles Rock Band: I love the Beatles. Could not care less about this game. I’m over music games in all of their forms.
• You paid to have Paul & Ringo there…maybe have someone write something for them to say? Just an idea.
• Tony Hawk: Anklebreaker…not interested.
• Modern Warfare 2: Looks awesome, but the first one was killer, why wouldn’t this one be great? I’m excited to play it.
• Final Fantasy XIII: Not sure what the point of this was, other than to remind us that it’s also coming to the Xbox. Meh. I’m still gonna buy it on the PS3, that just feels more right to me for some reason.
• I’ve already forgotten the name of that Epic game, but it looks super cool. Very old school Metroid.
• Left 4 Dead 2? Really? This year? Is this the anti-Valve? I dunno…maybe it should have just been an expansion pack if it’s just going to be more levels. I’ll withhold judgment until I see some more details.
• Splinter Cell: I haven’t played any of these games, so it’s tough to have an opinion. Looks like a riff on 24 and Taken.
• Forza 3: I don’t do racing games not named Burnout.
• Halo 3: ODST….that still really sucks as the name of a game, but I’m suddenly excited to play this one. That’s a complete 180 from when it was announced. It looks very solid. The multiple viewpoints to tell the story seems like it could be very cool if done correctly.
• Halo: Reach. Hmmm…why did Bungie split off from Microsoft again? To work on Halo, Halo, and more Halo? Fuck it, I’m sure it’ll be cool.
• Alan Wake certainly looks interesting. I just wonder if the models don’t look a little dated considering they’ve been making this game for about 50 years? Still, definitely one to keep an eye on, it’s tough not to pay attention to any game that tries to be mature without resorting to saying “eat shit” every five seconds. But…Spring 2010? Jesus.
• Last.fm is retarded on any platform. Bah. At least it’s free.
• Zune video? Really? That’s what you’re calling it? Good luck with that. 1080p and instant streaming is pretty hot, though.
• Not sure why I would ever want to do a “Live Party”. The technology is neat, but I don’t see why we can’t just watch stuff on our own.
• Facebook and Twitter on Xbox…great. In case there were any moments of my life left where people didn’t know exactly what I was doing.
• Don Mattrick: you’ve had all year to prepare. Memorize that shit.
• Metal Gear is gonna be on Xbox!! Woo-hoo! Another platform I can ignore it on!
• I am not going to stand in front of my TV and flail around like a fucking retard with a car battery attached to his nuts. This is the last I will speak of this abomination.
• Ok, one more thing: I want to murder the fake family that starred in that commerical.
• I think Kudo is a massive toolbag.
• Fuck you, Milo.

Ok, we’re done. The first half of the press conference was badass. The 360 has some kickass games coming this year and next. The second half made me want to barf. Clearly Microsoft has way too much disposable income that they are pouring into researching and developing new and exciting ways to sell consoles to people that have no interest in actually playing games and supporting the industry.

Sigh.

PS: Telltale Games: Please do not fuck up Secret Of Monkey Island. Thank you.